I hate listicles, so I’m surprised to be writing one.
I also can’t stand those articles about how to spice things up in ongoing relationships. Spice things up? What are we, sexy humans or casseroles?
But, I digress. That there are so many people writing about this topic means it’s a common problem for people. They’re in a relationship. In the beginning, it’s hot… like off the charts hot.
A few months pass, a year passes, and even though you’re with the same person, that earlier lust is gone. You want it back.
This is totally normal.
In the early stages of a relationship, you’re in something called limerence. It’s kind of like being high… legit on cocaine high. Your brain is drenched in neurochemicals that make you crave your partner. When you finally get together with them you feel SO GOOD it’s almost unreal.
After limerance fades, you no longer get the easy chemical assist that made everything feel wonderful.
What’s a pleasure-seeking human to do?
What you need is to continually nurture your sexual connection with novelty and mystery. You want to do this in ways that feel exciting and good to you and to your partner.
Stuck for ideas? Here’s 5 I reckon you’ve not thought of before.
1. Use condoms again, from time to time
If you stopped using condoms a while back, reintroduce them from time to time.
Using condoms can be a physical reminder of the early days. Have you even touched a condom since you decided to stop using them? Old emotions — the thrill, the awkwardness — can come flooding back when you pull one out.
Condom sex feels different for both partners, so it’s a break in the routine, too. It could even help make sex without a condom even more enjoyable.
For the kinky-inclined, condoms can make role play seem just a little more “real”. You could role-play picking each other up at a bar and having a one night stand. You could role-play the first time you had sex.
There are many possibilities to unwrap with the humble condom.
2. Keep your eyes open when you orgasm
Have you ever noticed that many people close their eyes in the throes of passion?
For eye-closers, this might be a life-long habit that you’ve never thought about before. Do you close your eyes when you masturbate? Pay attention the next time you go solo.
If you usually close your eyes when you come, try to keep them open. Remind yourself in advance, or ask your partner to gently ask you to open your eyes if they see you’re closing them.
Want to take this one even further?
You can try making eye contact with your partner when you orgasm. This one can be pretty intense, and maybe a little uncomfortable at first, so don’t feel pressure and talk to your partner about it.
3. Express your pleasure in new ways
Most of us have pretty standard ways we express pleasure. Some folks sigh, some moan, some clutch blankets or skin, some smile quietly.
Generally, these habits are unconscious and not something we really think about. Making a change can make sex feel pretty new.
Change it up! If you normally sigh, try moaning, or humming, or laughing. If you normally make sound, try expressing pleasure through touch like gently pulling your partner’s hair or squeezing their hand.
Have you got a crazy idea — like singing or growling like an animal? Try it!
Sex is playful and joyous — how can you express joyfulness in new ways? How can you lighten the mood into more play?
4. Breathe through orgasm, rather than hold your breath
Many people tense their muscles and either hold their breath or breathe quick and shallow as they approach orgasm.
Try breathing through your next orgasm. Take a slow, deep breaths. The air might catch a bit in your throat. That’s okay, just continue breathing.
This usually has two effects. First, it can make it take longer to orgasm. This can be a little frustrating and you might not want to do this if you are pressed for time. Second, if you stick with it, the breathing also helps to relax your muscles.
Breathing through orgasm feels different. You can feel the pleasure of orgasm “spread out” a bit more. Some men say that they felt pleasure in their arms or even their feet as well as their cock when breathing through orgasm.
5. Try mutual masturbation
A lot of people have never had sex this way or maybe only did so when they were teenagers.
For mutual masturbation, have nice, soft lighting like candles or the lights on the dimmer switch. You want to be able to see each other in forgiving lighting.
Have some high-quality lube on hand. Face your partner and begin as you normally would, while they do the same.
When you watch how your partner touches themselves, you’ll see how they go about creating sexual pleasure. It might be totally different from how you touch them and you might get new ideas for how you could touch them in the future.
You also have the intimate experience of watching someone pleasure themselves while being watched pleasuring yourself. The vulnerability is intense. It can feel surprisingly emotional to have sex this way.
You should only ever mutually masturbate with a partner if they are enthusiastic to try it.
You might be surprised by just how hot it is to watch your partner and to have them watch you.
The kinky-inclined can play here, too. You could make rules about not touching each other, shouting out each others’ names when you orgasm, to be completely silent, or to dirty talk the entire time.
The only limits are your imagination and your boundaries for the experience.
You don’t need to buy lingerie or sex toys to keep things fresh. There’s so much you can do with your own mind and body to bring new forms of pleasure to your partnered sex.
If you want to jump right into the Sexual Craftsmanship process, head over to the Sexual Craftsmanship subreddit and join the community!
Curious what it’s like to learn with me? Check out my FREE course on How to Avoid the Friendzone for Good.