You’ve met someone. There’s chemistry, there’s sparks. You are into them and they are so into you. Lust is in the air. Clothes come off, hands caress skin. Then, they lean over and whisper in your ear:
“Talk dirty to me”
And… wait, what? Uh oh…
If you’ve never played with dirty talk with a partner before, the request for salacious utterances can feel super awkward. What do they even mean by “talk dirty” anyway? Aren’t the things people say in these situations kind of offensive?
Remember: you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It doesn’t matter how hot your partner is or how much you want them. If dirty talk just isn’t your thing, say so.
And, if you are curious and would like to give dirty talk a try, don’t stress! You needn’t be a perverted Shakespeare to have a lot of fantastic, sexy fun with your words.
First, Some DON’TS…
- Don’t take your cues from porn! This may upset your partner and take you out of the moment and up into that performing space in your brain
- Don’t jump straight to edgy language
- Don’t shame your partner for asking, even if dirty talk isn’t for you
- Don’t cross your own boundaries. Especially if the request is sudden, it’s important to remember that you can say no
Remember, your partner asking you for dirty talk is an indication of their desire for you – savor it!
Begin with a Conversation
When you’re incorporating dirty talk for the first time in a relationship, start by having a conversation with your partner outside the bedroom. This applies to all relationship types, from one night stands through to long term relationships.
Ask your partner if they’re interested in trying out dirty talk. If your partner requested this of you, ask if they are okay with you just going for it, understanding it will be awkward or you might say some weird things.
Having the permission to just go for dirty talk without judgment can be really helpful. If you’re worried about both coming up with things to say AND whether your partner will like it, it makes it difficult to even try.
Make sure to discuss together any words or phrases that are off limits, too. For some people, certain words or phrases can be deeply uncomfortable or even triggering.
Step One: Vocalization
The easiest place to begin is with vocalization. Get primal! When you feel pleasure during sex, make noise that feels good to you and like a match for how awesome it is to be in your body right now.
Panting, grunting, sighing, and moaning all work and are common ways to vocalize pleasure without the added complexity of using words.
You might find vocalization challenging if you’re accustomed to remaining silent or as quiet as possible during sex. One way to become comfortable with vocalization before you ever have an audience is to practice during masturbation.
Vocalization may increase your own pleasure, and using masturbation as your learning lab is how you can find out.
Step Two: Compliments
Dirty talk is kind of like speaking a foreign language. If you think too much about all of the mistakes you will make, then you will never practice and never improve.
The easiest way to ease into dirty talk is to give genuine compliments, like “I love touching your skin”, “I love when your cheeks flush”, or “The way your hips move when we fuck turns me on to watch.”
Often, people are not used to receiving complements during sexual play itself. You might be surprised by how much your partner enjoys hearing what you like about their body.
Step Three: Sensory Experience
To take dirty talk to the next level, focus on your senses. How does your experience of sex with your partner feel in your body? What do you hear? Taste? Smell? See?
Describe out loud what you sense. This could sound like “Keep fucking me like that, it’s like lightening up my spine”, “Your (or my) pussy is so warm, I am so horny for you”, “I lust you”, or “Your skin is so salty and that’s so fucking sexy.”
In all of these examples, you are putting words to your separate sensory experience. What makes this sexy is your partner doesn’t know what your internal experience of sex with them is like. When you share about your experience, even briefly, it is incredibly intimate, as you are the only one with this information.
Step Four: Desire
Once you feel comfortable with giving compliments and sharing your sensory experiences, move on to talking about what you want. Sharing your desires is easiest when they are genuine.
This can sound like, “I want you on my dick”, “I want to come all over your face”, or “I want to see your face when you come.”
The key to desire-based dirty talk is to think about what you actually want and then just say it, rather than asking a question. Where you may have asked, “Would you like to ride me?” you would instead say, “I want you to ride me.”
It’s sexy to hear desire expressed openly because most people long to feel sexually desired by their partners. Stating it aloud makes it unambiguous, and it can be incredibly arousing to hear all of the carnal ways you are desired.
However, stating your desires directly only works as dirty talk if you already have a good consent dynamic in your relationship. Both of you need to feel comfortable saying no.
It also helps to establish a good dynamic of negotiation. Negotiation can sound like, “I want to come on your face,” “Ohhh, that’s so hot! Right now, I want to cuddle up close, how about that instead?”
If you’re still working on establishing an open and supportive consent dynamic, starting out with compliments and sensory experience is a better bet. Sharing compliments and your sensory experience are less likely to put pressure on your partner to say yes if they don’t yet feel confident saying no.
The secret sauce in all four of these approaches to dirty talk is that you simply share what is true. It removes the pressure to be creative or inventive.
Starting with what is works because this information is readily available to you. When you begin sharing your internal experience out loud, you let your partner in on how much you enjoy being with them in the moment.
And that is sexy AF.
If you want to jump right into the Sexual Craftsmanship process, head over to the Sexual Craftsmanship subreddit and join the community!
Curious what it’s like to learn with me? Check out my FREE course on How to Avoid the Friendzone for Good.